Last night I was going through my blog. Reading other blogs and thought of changing this blogs name. I ended up doing some other stuff and figured I’d do it today. I want to call it SANKOFA. In the Ghanaian language of Akan it means “reach back and get it.” Now I’m trying to be a consistent blogger but I’m not always ready when its time to post something so I go through stuff I’ve written for plays, for fun, for release. For me this is going back and getting it; my thoughts, my lessons, my writings, my feelings and all of that stuff that belongs to me.
I found this tonight. The instruction was sex… Now I personally think sex is great but its not always great for everyone. So I wrote the following on behalf of a character I was gonna play…
Last night I asked my partner if we could stop having sex. Not because I stopped liking it, because I love our sex life but because it was so good. My sex life is everything a girl dreams of. My man is like a sex god. He has talented hands, a talented and a mighty talented you know what else. On top of all the talent he makes me feel so good. Not only in bed but everywhere. I know he loves me because he is not afraid to show me.
Last night after we had sex or made love. Whatever makes you feel better about this, I completely broke down. I felt a pain in the pit of my stomach that I could not explain. I felt my soul rip into pieces and I fell, I broke, I felt like I was dying. I felt like I was dying for everyday that I’d pretended to be happy and for every hurt I had had to overlook. I broke and I didn’t understand why.
I lay there in his arms sobbing, my whole body shaking and I was so confused. I was certain of the way I felt but I had no idea why I would feel the way I did. My job is okay, it helps pay the bills, and the kids are all well and good. My husband loves me dearly and makes me feel like a goddess but still I feel like my world is crumbling and I cannot explain it.
I can hardly sleep. In fact I fear sleep. Especially when I am alone. Not because I’m scared of nightmares but because I have to face myself and the way I feel but once I’m asleep I never want to wake up because then I must face the world. I must be a mother to my children, a partner to my man, a committed employee at work, an activist and at the end of the day I have to face myself.
There’s this song… only know you’ve been high when you feeling low? That line is so real for me and that’s where the sex thing comes in. sex is my happy place. I love it. I’m at my weakest with the one I love most and I’m okay. I’m safe in his arms, naked with him, real with him and he loves me and accepts me for all that I am and I satisfy him with just me and enjoying myself while being with him. I can’t explain it. It’s a place where I’m in no control and I’m okay with it. I’m exposed flaws and all, and it’s ok. I’m in a world of passion and love and romance and I come. I come emotionally, I come physically and then I come down and it’s back to the reality which is my sadness. I’m not a sex addict. I don’t use it to forget. I use it to be happy. I don’t use him I love him. I love it. I love us but I hate my reality though I love it because I do I just need to get to know my enemy like I’ve come to know my lover and then my lover…
PetalC
Petals... 